Writing is such a great tool because you can say all the things you wish people could see. Yes see. I wish people could really see me and what I feel like in these moments. Not because I want anyone to feel sorry for me or pity me, but because I wish someone could accurately put into words what I am feeling right now.
This week's entry might be full of errors, terrible writing, and nonsense. And as we speak I see that my mouse has decided not to work so the only way I can make changes is by backspacing the whole way. So guess what...I was going to erase that second paragraph but now I'm not because I don't want to erase the first three lines of this one. I have a feeling the rest of this post will follow a similar pattern.
Let me give you the short version…or at least try.
July 12th I was feeling a bit odd. Extremely tired, irritable, and super bloated! I had also been having trouble sleeping for several days prior. I went out shopping with a friend, and when I got back home I decided to take a pregnancy test, fully expecting it to come back negative. Well, as you could have guessed, I was in for a shock. I was pregnant. My heart began to race and a small smile slid across my face as a tear fell onto my cheek. The test was positive. I was going to be a mom, and even more exciting for me, Donny was going to be a dad.
The next few weeks were great! Donny and I were relishing in the fact that we would have a little person in our house by this time next year. The first ultrasound everything came back wonderful and our baby had a very strong heartbeat. All was going well for us.
At 13 weeks, we went in for our routine appointment and were told something unusual was showing up on the scan. We waited three agonizing days to have a more detailed ultrasound and find out what exactly was going on with our baby. We were told our baby had Bladder Outlet Obstruction which was causing his bladder to swell. All in all…it didn’t sound like a complete deal breaker and we were given what we thought was comforting news. After imagining the worst (or what we thought at that time was the worst case scenario) we found this news to be much more manageable.
We were advised to have weekly appointments with our high risk specialist to monitor my fluid levels and our baby’s kidney function.
Two weeks went by and then we were hit with another blow. My doctor wanted me to have an amniocentesis to rule out chromosomal disorders. She was beginning to see signs that pointed to more going on than a bladder outlet obstruction. She told us our baby was showing signs of having a nerve disorder of some sort. This was another blow. I had really just come to terms that our pregnancy wasn’t “normal” and now I was being told that our baby likely had a nerve disorder. I didn’t even really know what that could mean. I began to research every nerve disorder possible and none of them sounded very friendly. At that point I remember praying to God .
“God please, if it be your will heal my baby. If not, please help him/her be able to have a happy life. “
I prayed for several things. I remember at one point seriously praying that my baby had Down syndrome. I knew people could have happy lives with this condition. I knew it would not be an easy rode for any of us, but I was preparing myself to take up that challenge and give our baby every chance in the world to feel love and be happy. I know several people with children who have disabilities and they have always inspired me.
We got the results back and they were normal. Good news right? Well , not exactly…but maybe? The rest of the story hasn’t unfolded enough for me to even answer that question.
We were told that it was likely our baby (BOY) wouldn’t survive very much longer. At some point I would miscarry…or possibly have a stillbirth. That is what I was told. That day was a turning point for me. I really felt like I was losing it. I am a believer and I completely and totally never doubted God’s plan. BUT, I was mad. I really don’t think I’ve ever been so let down in my life. I had been praying for healing this whole time but God was closing the doors on me. He was showing me that that wasn’t going to happen. Can he heal our son? Of course. So why won’t he?
I had all these questions. I would be lying if I said I still don’t. I do however know that I am incapable of truly understanding the Whys of this situation. I also know that I completely trust that this is part of a bigger plan that I may never understand. I rejoice in the fact that I am able to know deep to the bottom of my soul that God is with me. Even though I feel very alone sometimes. I know he is carrying me through each day.
He can handle my questions and he can handle my anger.
Our doctor decided to send us to Houston where they specialize in bladder outlet obstruction, along with several other disorders/syndromes. Our doctor in Tulsa told us that it was likely our baby had a genetic disorder. She couldn’t tell us what….and still no one can.
The Houston Doctors basically confirmed what Tulsa had said. Except they added on that I would MOST likely carry to term and that our son would die in labor. \
Another blow.
We were then taken to a tiny room and given our options.
Another blow.
No one ever expects to have to have those conversations. Conversations about “What will be best”.
We had them.
